Week 1 Predictions

Week 1 Predictions

*Note: This post was written during the Seattle vs. Green Bay season opener. All players and results from the game were purposely excluded (just trying to come up for an excuse as to why I didn't talk up Marshawn Lynch more, dude was beast).

Fantasy football is an intricate game of individual matchups. Each week, I’ll take a deeper look into these matchups to predict the 6 winners.  To do so, I’ll follow the classic group paradigm as established by the great Mac of Always Sunny lore. Every matchup will be scrutinized at the individual level to decipher who holds the overall edge for the week. A look at the paradigm:

The Looks:

Big chested projections, mosquito bites production. Who will prove to be nothing more than a pretty face?

The Brains:

It’s not always about the name on the back of the jersey, but rather the name on the front of his opponents. Who is the smartest play of the week?

The Muscle:

In football, some guys just outmuscle the competition. Who is the lock of the week?

The Wildcard:

Boom or bust is the name of the game here. Who’s floor is as low as his ceiling is high?

The Useless Chick:

You could leave this guy out of your starting lineup, and it wouldn’t make a difference. He’s just kind of there.

SGF Dirtdogs (0-0) at The Fat Cats (0-0)

The Looks: Reggie Bush. I love the weapons on the Lions. I almost love them too much. With only one ball to go around, will Bush get enough touches to reach his potential?

The Brains: Colin Kaepernick. Ignore the sluggish preseason performance and take a quick peak at the Cowboys defensive depth chart.

The Muscle: Jimmy Graham. Whether he’s lined up at tight end or wide receiver, it won’t matter. The only challenge facing Graham Sunday will be containing the urge to throw it down after each TD scored.

The Wildcard: Desean Jackson. This one’s almost unfair, as Jackson has made a career out of the wildcard role. Still though, he’s the one player in this matchup that has the potential to double or even triple his projection with ease.

Useless Chick: Jacquizz Rodgers. The name alone makes him deserving of a roster spot in the Equalizer, but a starting role in Week 1?

Prediction: Last season’s BAMA winning Dirtdogs boasts a roster worthy of a repeat, and The Fat Cats is beyond qualified to help steer it in the right direction.

The Fat Cats 149, SGF Dirtdogs 93

Touch My TD’s (0-0) at Rough Riders (0-0)

The Looks: Alfred Morris. Morris is projected for 15 points Week 1, a number he reached or exceeded only twice last season. A defensive line featuring Watt and Clowney is not exactly what I’d call a favorable matchup either. Bust potential here.

The Brains: Jeremy Maclin. Chip Kelly’s offense just puts up points, both on the field and in fantasy. Against a Jaguars D that struggled against opposing wideouts last year, I’ll put my faith in Chip and Maclin to exceed this week’s projection. (Note: Cordarelle Patterson deserves mentioning here, too. Very favorable matchup against a blitz-heavy defense, his projection of 19 should be spot-on).

The Muscle: Andrew Luck. Denver’s D is much improved, but its not like we’re talking about a top-10 defense cracking the top-5. Denver was 27^th against the pass last year, and even if its sniffing the top half of the league this year it won’t be enough to stop Luck.

The Wildcard: Rob Gronkowski. Will he or won’t he, that’s the question here. If he does, even just for a few snaps, expect Brady to be looking his way.

The Useless Chick: Delanie Walker. Walker’s no bum, but no stud either. Against a stout Chiefs defense that allowed the 3^rd fewest points to opposing tight ends last year, don’t expect a game-changing performance here.

Prediction: This matchup is a wildcard in itself. Both these teams have question marks, favorable and unfavorable matchups, and tons of speed on their rosters. In that case, I’ll just go with the team playing more players at home.

Touch My TD’s 119, Rough Riders 114

Ants in My Eyes Collins (0-0) at Dark Force (0-0)

The Looks: Ben Tate. Hasn’t Tate been the looks for years? That sexy sleeper pick just waiting to carry your team to the title once Arian Foster inevitably gets hurt. Now that Tate is single and ready to mingle amongst the big boys, expect him to prove himself the tease he’s always been.

The Brains: Demaryious Thomas. With Wes Welker out this is almost unfair. Throw in a Hall of Fame quarterback looking to put a Super Bowl loss behind him against the team with which he made his name and, well, ‘nuff said.

The Muscle: Dez Bryant. I don’t care that the game is against a stout (but in shambles) 49ers defense. Expect a big game here from Dez in a classic Texas shootout.

The Wildcard: Shane Vereen. Only a 10-point projection in a PPR league that Vereen all but dominated when healthy last season?  But alas, Vereen’s talent or workload has never been the issue; “when healthy” (which he is, for now) is the key disclaimer here.

The Useless Chick: Travis Kelce. Kelce gets this honor by default, because I really love the waiver-wire pickup by our Commissioner. Give it time and it will pay off, but first, give it time.

Prediction: Expect a tight matchup up until 9:45 PM EST Sunday night, at which point the Broncos should have a few TD’s on the board courtesy of Manning to Thomas (either one works).

Dark Force 126, Ants in My Eyes Collins 115

Ethan’s Mom’s Panties (0-0) vs. The Old Guys Club (0-0)

The Looks: Andre Johnson. I couldn’t decide which aging receiver to go with here: Andre or Larry Fitz. I guess I’ll go with the one catching balls from Ryan Fitzpatrick.

The Brains: Jamaal Charles. It’s hard to consider Charles a smart play any week because he’d never be a bench consideration. But still, hard not to love this matchup against a porous Titans run defense.

The Muscle: Adrian Peterson. The Rams dominating D-line is surprisingly soft against opposing RB’s. Oh yeah, and AP guaranteed a touchdown on his first touch Sunday. At this point you kind of have to trust him.

The Wildcard: Emmanuel Sanders. Apparently, in the NFL you get suspended 4 games for taking Molly but just 2 games for hitting Molly.  Not much sense in that, but Sanders owners should find some solace in knowing they have a potential WR2 in their lineups for the next 4 weeks.

The Useless Chick: Greg Jennings. At least Jennings was immortalized via YouTube years ago, because his days of making his name on the field appear to be behind him.

Prediction: Last year’s champion boasts a new roster with tons of young potential that should only get better with time. For the present, however, Jamaal Charles should be enough. 

The Old Guys Club: 136, Ethan’s Mom’s Panties 122

PB Pandemonium (0-0) at Roc City Super Dudes (0-0)

The Looks: Victor Cruz. The Giants first team offense did anything but look good in the preseason, and while I feel that it will eventually get there as the players learn a new system, Week 1 isn’t the time to expect a bounce-back performance from Cruz.

The Brains: Matt Ryan. Ignore the 11-point projection. I’d set that as a low floor for Ryan in this one. The Saints defense is much improved, but so is the Falcons offense just by way of being healthy. Playing at home, Ryan throws for multiple scores in this one.

The Muscle: Peyton Manning. This is a cop-out, but if not for Manning, I wouldn’t expect a very competitive match from Pandemonium this week. Manning will carry the squad, but will it be enough?

The Wildcard: Michael Crabtree. You’ve got to love the matchup against the ‘Boys, but that might be all there is to love this week. Crab missed practice Wednesday with a bad calf, and his team’s offense wasn’t exactly inspiring in the preseason.

The Useless Chick: Trent Richardson. Almost every starter on both these fantasy squads deserves to be playing this week, but Richardson is by far the least deserving of the bunch. As a former owner of the first round bust, I’ll believe it when I see it.

Prediction: Roc City is built like a PPR machine. Manning will keep Pandemonium in this one, but Matty Ice will do just enough to close the gap and get the Super Dudes the W.

Roc City Super Dudes 127, PB Pandemonium 121

Las Vegas Outlaws (0-0) vs. Redwood Chipalopes (0-0)

The Looks: Vincent Jackson. The Panthers defense is tough, holding V-Jax to a combined 22 points in 2 meetings last season. 17 points might be tough to come by in this one.

The Brains: Buccaneers D/ST. My money is on Ace Boogie getting the start in this one, but whether its him or Derek Anderson at QB for the Panthers, look for Lovie Smith's improved Bucs defense to have fun with Carolina’s lack of weapons. It may not seem significant enough, but in such a tightly projected fantasy matchup, a defensive explosion could be enough to tilt the game in one team's favor.

The Muscle: Lesean McCoy. Shady should have a field day working in Chip Kelly’s uber-efficient offense against an improved yet still suspect Jags D.

The Wildcard: Greg Olsen. If Cam Newton makes the game-time decision to start, Olsen is more muscle than wildcard. But if QB1 is relegated to the bench, Olsen should be considered for similar treatment with the possibility of D.A. looming.

The Useless Chick: Steven Jackson. When its slim picking, always pick the aging running back to have an underwhelming week.

Prediction: The Killer B’s for the Outlaws (Ball, Bell, and Brown) did not get enough mention here, and could totally make me look like an idiot come Sunday. But still, I’ll side with the Chipalopes and their favorable matchups in this one.

Redwood Chipalopes 128, Las Vegas Outlaws 124.