Week 3 Predictions

2014 Record: 8-4 (LW: 5-1)

We’re two weeks into the fantasy football season, which — like a virgin on prom night or Kaier in the heart of Lent — means its time to prematurely exaggerate the merits of one team’s triumphs and another team’s defeats. If the season ended today, The Fat Cats would be in the title match, the Dirtdogs would be wearing the BAMA, and, wait a minute, is this 2013 all over again?

Before we fall into that trap, I’d like to remind everyone of his fantasy football mortality. Like Jamal Charles’ ankle or AJ Green’s big toe, the difference between success and failure in The Equalizer is but a fragile combination of chance, competence and circumstance. That’s what I’m telling myself at least, as I sit 2 games and a bajillion points back of the league’s best just two weeks removed from an offseason of optimism.

A brief look through the league history, however, reveals that many of our fates might already be sealed this early into the year:

Let’s look back to The Equalizer’s inaugural season in 2009, when a young Ben Cronin was staking his claim as the game’s most promising up-and-coming ginger, he-who-shall-not-be-named was diligently putting the BA in BAMA, and yours truly was being crowned champion. Just one of the league’s ten founding franchises started 0-2 that year, and that same team failed to make the playoffs at season's end. And so, just like the NFL’s notorious 0-2 death sentence, an ominous trend was born in our great league.

Flash-forward to today and Andy Dalton has solidified himself as the premier ginger in the game, the BAMA is tangible proof of just how low a season can get, and yours truly is on the bottom of the standings. As for those 0-2 teams, since Brendan’s infamous 0-13 campaign, 11 teams have started their season’s 0-2 and just 2 have made the playoffs. Inversely, 11 teams have started 2-0 since 2009 and 7 have tasted postseason glory.

So I can preach all I want about poor matchups, shitty luck,  phantom timeout calls or whatnot, but the numbers simply don’t lie: With a 64% shot at making the playoffs, Ryan, Ethan, Evan and Rich will soon be thinking seeding rather than simply playoffs, and with a 83% chance of being in losers’ ladder, Mark, Brad, Andy and myself…well…we’re fucked.

Congrats to Rich for raking in the Hamilton in Week 2. Now for Week 3 predictions:

Dark Force (0-2) at Touch My TD’s (2-0)

The Looks: Bobby Rainey. Hard to figure this guy will get 19 paints when his team can’t even gain 19 yards on most of its drives thus far this year. And that’s while playing at home…

The Brains: Andrew Luck. Luck is always a smart play, but particularly against this Jags defense.

The Muscle: Demaryious Thomas. It’s time for him to step up. I’m going out on a limb here and projecting a repeat-Super Bowl performance (not for the team, but for the individual).

The Wildcard: Muhammad Sanu. Will AJ play?

The Result: I talked myself into picking Dark Force despite all the signs pointing to Touch My TD’s. Simply don’t like Rainey and Ellington’s matchups and expect big things from my revenge-seeking Broncos’ studs.

Dark Force 115, Touch My TD”s 108

SGF Dirtdogs (0-2) at The Old Guys Club (1-1)

The Looks: Giovani Bernard. Jeremy Hill will continue to impress and steal touches.

The Brains: Jay Cutler. See: Aaron Rodgers from Week 2 Predictions.

The Muscle: Drew Brees. Brees could put up 25 points in the Superdome with his left arm tied behind his back.

The Wildcard: Brandin Cooks. We know Brees will be slinging it all over the field on Sunday, but will Cooks be on the receiving end enough times to meet his projection?

The Result: I love Brees in the home opener for an angry Saints team, but I hate everything else about the Dirtdogs this week.

The Old Guys Club 119, SGF Dirtdogs 83

The Fat Cats (2-0) at Redwood Chipalopes (1-1)

The Looks: Allen Hurns. Hurns came back to reality in Week 2. The Colts are desperate for a win and should have no problem reminding Hurns of his reality should he begin to stir on Sunday.

The Brains: Jordy Nelson. The only reason he isn’t the muscle is Jimmy Graham.

The Muscle: Jimmy Graham. Have I mentioned I like the Saints at home this week?

The Wildcard: Jonathan Stewart. Stewart is the only healthy back in the Panthers’ backfield heading into Sunday. The Ravens ran all over the Steelers in Week 2. Should bode well for Stewart, but then again, this is Jonathan Stewart we are talking about.

The Result: Too many question marks on the Chipalopes with Hurns, Stewart and a gimpy Marshall. I’ll take The Fat Cats' trio of studs.

The Fat Cats 139, Redwood Chipalopes 116

PB Pandemonium (1-1) at Ethan’s Mom’s Panties (0-2)

The Looks: James Jones. I simply can’t trust a rookie QB playing in Foxborough.

The Brains: Reggie Wayne. The Colts need to get back on track. They need big contributions from Wayne to do so. The Jags should allow him to provide just that.

The Muscle: Demarco Murray. Murray finally gets the credit he deserves as the Week 3 muscle.

The Wildcard: Peyton Manning. This is likely the only time Manning finds himself here. I obviously like the Broncos to have a bounce-back performance against Seattle this time around, but the Legion of Boom will certainly have something to say about that.

The Result: A bust performance by Manning could keep this one close, but Pandemonium is too deep at the skill positions to drop this one.

PB Pandemonium 136, Ethan’s Mom’s Panties 119

Ants in My Eyes Collins (2-0) at Las Vegas Outlaws (2-0)

The Looks: Le’Veon Bell. The Panthers may have lost some offensive weapons in the offseason, but its defense hasn’t skipped a beat.

The Brains: Stevan Ridley. When the Patriots play a team like the Raiders at home, they tend to assert their muscle on the ground. As long as Ridley doesn’t fumble on his first carry, he should have a nice afternoon.

The Muscle: Dez Bryant. The more dominant Demarco Murray becomes, the more things should open up for Dez.

The Wildcard: AJ Green. Will AJ play?

The Result: Whether AJ Green plays or not, I like Collins’ matchups in this one. Simply don’t like multiple Steelers going against the Panthers D on a Sunday night.

Ants in My Eyes Collins 120, Las Vegas Outlaws 113

SASKATCHEWAN Rough Riders (1-1) at Roc City Super Dudes (2-0)

The Looks: Rashad Jennings. Houston’s defense has been a stone wall thus far into 2014.

The Brains: Alfred Morris. Morris rushed for a couple of scores last week. With a young QB getting the start on the road in a Divisional game, I expect Morris to be a bigger factor than expected in this one.

The Muscle: Matt Ryan. I love Matty Ice playing in the dome against what I would deem to be the biggest disappointment of a team thus far in 2014. I might as well add Julio Jones to the mix while I’m at it.

The Wildcard: Torrey Smith. Smith could disappoint again. Or he could finally reel in that illusive deep ball that all Smith owners have been waiting for.

The Result: Riley Cooper will likely lay a dud, but the Superdudes have too much fire power in the rest of the receiving corps and at QB to be denied in this one.

Roc City Superdudes 128, SASKATCHEWAN Rough Riders 120