Week 2 Predictions

Week 2 Predictions

2014 Record: 3-3

Thank god football is back. Sunday’s are a little less depressing. The impending winter is a little less intimidating. And life is much more…stressful. For the other five losers from Week 1, I am sure you agree.  There is nothing more stressful than starting the season winless and one step closer to the BAMA. Except maybe one thing: winning. I think my texting conversation with the commissioner Sunday night perhaps best sums up the emotions of being on both ends of a decision:

Ah yes, fantasy football. Whether the servers are working or not, it won't change the fact that for the next 15 weeks Sunday afternoons and Monday nights will take countless years off our lives. Congrats to Evan for winning this season’s first $10 payout. Now to Week 2 projections (Note: this will be the last week using “The Useless Chick” as a key predictor. At this point, if anyone is starting a player that can be deemed truly useless, than you, sir, are useless).

Dark Force (0-1) at Las Vegas Outlaws (1-0)

The Looks: Demaryious Thomas. Quote from Varney while talking about Thomas’ Week 1 performance: “I never liked his hands personally, that’s why I stay away from him.” It’s hard to trust the owner of the last-place PB Pandemonium and a notorious late-season choke-artist, but until Thomas proves he can hang onto the ball I kind of have to agree with Mike here (note: I’m not saying Thomas isn’t great, but I also don’t expect him to reach his 25 point projection).

The Brains: Nick Foles. Did you see the Colts defense last Sunday night? Simply not the same without Robert Mathis.

The Muscle: Le’Veon Bell. If nothing else, Bell deserves to be in this spot as an apology for not including any mention of him in my Week 1 predictions. Oh, and he averaged 117 total yards against Baltimore in his rookie season.

The Wildcard: Justin Hunter. Hunter fits the mold of the prototypical Wildcard. A burner with low PPR value but big play potential. The factor that tilts this week in Hunter’s favor though is the opposing defense. Damn they're bad.

The Useless Chick: Kyle Rudolph. The only thing keeping Rudolph from assuming this role is the endzone. The Patriots are notoriously tough on opposing TE’s, so don’t expect much by way of yard and catches. A score could make Rudolph relevant. A shutout and well…meet this matchup’s Useless Chick.

Prediction: It pains me to do this, but I simply can’t pick a team featuring Hunter at WR2 and Rudolph in the flex. Here’s to hoping the reverse jinx is in play. Las Vegas Outlaws 132, Dark Force 119

The Old Guys Club (1-0) at PB Pandamonium (0-1)

The Looks: Larry Fitzgerald. Let’s just call the Fitzy vs. Cruz matchup a wash right now, and not in a good way. Michael Floyd now clearly looks like the man in AZ and little John Brown is a playmaker himself, leaving Larry Fitzgerald as the aging great slowly getting shown the door.

The Brains: Randall Cobb. An angry Packers offense coming off a Week 1 embarassment vs. an overconfident Jets defense coming off a classic “Welcome to NFL” performance against a rookie QB? I think I’ll side with the Packer here, especially considering a converted safety and a man named Darren Walls will be starting at corner opposite him.

The Muscle: Reggie Wayne. I feel like I could pick Manning for this category every week, so I'll try to buck the trend before it begins and go with Wayne here. Philly’s defense made Allen Hurns look like a younger version of Wayne last week, so what happens when they face the real, albeit older, Wayne on Monday night?

The Wildcard: Zach Ertz. Ertz will have his fair share of bust games, but don’t count on this week being one of them. Just watch Julius Thomas hgihlights from last week’s date with the Colts.

The Useless Chick: I would’ve picked Cruz for The Looks too, but I’m not sure if I’m allowed to shame one player so much  (but seriously, 22 points?). As long as Varney keeps starting him though, I may eventually need to make an exception for the laughable Giants offense’s WR1.

Prediction: A lot of firepower in this matchup. I refuse to read in to ESPN’s projections too much (I’d believe them much more if they’d swap the projections given to Ertz and Cruz), but I still like Varney to bounce back from Week 1’s 87 point performance in a big way. PB Pandemonium 136, The Old Guys Club 128

Redwood Chipalopes (0-1) at Touch My TD’s (0-1)

The Looks: Deangelo Williams. I’ve never liked Williams in the RB-by-committee Panthers offense. I especially don’t like him now that he’s missed Thursday’s practice with a bad thigh.

The Brains: Greg Olsen. Just because one Panther doesn’t deserve his projection, doesn’t mean all Panther’s don’t. The Lions made Larry Donnell a household name last week, so what will they do in Week 2 when they face an actual household name in Olsen?

The Muscle: Andrew Luck. Shady or Luck? Both had solid Week 1’s as the predicted Muscles, so who to go with this week? I’ll go with the one guaranteed to touch the ball on every offensive snap.

The Wildcard: Cordarrelle Patterson. Patterson, a Week 1 stud, was one 67-yard run away from being a Week 1 bust. Expect a similar type high-upside performance in Week 2 with just one exception: Darrelle Revis.

The Useless Chick: Andre Ellington. He’s not 100% healthy, and pretty much the only thing the Giants did right last week was defend the run. Of course, Ellington is always a threat to break the big one. But I’m guessing he won’t.

Prediction: I didn’t mention Harvin here, but I love his matchup against the Chargers. I also expect Brandon Marshall to reassume the role of “The Man” with Alshon hurting. Plus I’m predicting/praying the Vikings shut down the Pats offense. Redwood Chipalopes 127, Touch My TD’s 115

Roc City Superdudes (1-0) @ SGF Dirtdogs (0-1)

The Looks: Donnie Avery. Sure, Avery finally played to the potential that many people have seen in him for some time now. But that comes just in time for Dwayne Bowe to return from suspension. I don’t love Bow, but I don’t love Avery either. In fact, I don’t love any Chief until proven otherwise.

The Brains: Vernon Davis. I’ve hated Davis’ fantasy game for a while now (a bitter former owner), but I love this stat: 15 of Kaepernick’s last 23 touchdown passes have gone to the Niners’ polarizing tight end. Oh, and the Bears defense kind of sucks.

The Muscle: Drew Brees. Brees didn’t play like The Muscle in a Week 1 shootout, but had a red zone interception gone differently his numbers would have looked much better. Another team that played in a Week 1 shootout? The Browns.

The Wildcard: Reggie Bush. Bush could certainly come close to or exceed his 16-point projection, but he could also score single digits against a tough Panthers defense. Will Bush make that one big play in the passing game to make him a Week 2 game changer?

The Useless Chick: Joique Bell. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t really like Bush more than Bell this week, I just think he has the better chance to actually make a difference. I wouldn’t be happy about starting either Detroit back against Carolina, but I’d be less happy about starting Bell.

Prediction: Tough matchups abound in this one with the Seattle, San Francisco and Carolina defenses in the fold. It pains me to do this, but I have to pick Kaier to get his first win since winning (er…losing) the BAMA in a low-scoring affair. SGF Dirtdogs 105, Roc City Superdudes 93

Rough Riders (1-0) @ The Fat Cats (1-0)

The Looks: Robert Griffin III. If you’re going to put up big fantasy numbers as a QB, you should typically start by throwing the ball past the line of scrimmage. By this time next week, don’t be surprised if “Cousins over Griffin” surpasses “Roger Goodell is an incompetent liar” as the top NFL headline.

The Brains: Marshawn Lynch. I could care less about the matchup, I’m choosing Beast Mode simply because I’d feel bad not including his name somewhere.

The Muscle: Jordy Nelson. I feel like every other Aaron Rogers pass found its way to Jordy in Week 1 (maybe because he was avoiding an entire half of the football field). Following that logic, shouldn’t every Rogers pass find its way to Nelson against a dismal Jets secondary in Week 2?

The Wildcard: CJ Spiller. Pros: Spiller got a surprising 18 touches in Week 1 and is known to be a Dolphins killer. Cons: The Dolphins defense looked solid against the Pats last week and Fred Jackson should be well-rested after getting 8 less looks than his backfield partner.

The Useless Chick: Zac Stacy. Wow, how the mighty have fallen. Back when Bradford was in the mix and the Rams threatened some form of a balanced offense, Stacy had great value. With Austin Davis as the likely Week 2 starter…not so much.

Prediction: Calvin, Jordy, Jimmy and the rest of The Fat Cats – Zac Stacy excluded – keep rolling in this one. The Fat Cats 129,  Rough Riders 108

Ethan's Mom's Panties (0-1) @ Ants in My Eyes Collins (1-0)

The Looks: Dez Bryant. From The Muscle to The Looks in one week. Such is the life of a Cowboy in 2014. Dez is a great talent, but his team is a mess with no reason to be optimistic heading into Week 2. Not to mention the improved Titans gave up the 2nd fewest points to opposing wideouts last year.

The Brains: Kendall Wright. Kendall Wright is built for the slot. The Cowboys are built to haplessly defend the slot. Kendall Wright is built to dominate the Cowboys in this Week 2 matchup.

The Muscle: Aaron Rodgers. I've picked on the Jets to the point that you've probably already guessed that I'm trying to jinx Sunday's game in their favor. If you've come to that conclusion, you're 100% correct. But still, what's not to like in Rodgers matchup against the Jets? Expect a major bounce back from the best all-around QB in the league in Week 2.

The Wildcard: Arian Foster. 29 touches in Week 1 and still healthy? That alone was a shocker. So what does Foster do for an encore in Week 2? If another 20+ touches are in the game plan this week, you can expect a possible game changing performance from Foster against a Raiders defense that got bullied on the ground by the Jets last week. Just be careful, because any touch can be the last of the game for the oft-injured Foster.

The Useless Chick: Blair Walsh. Because the Vikings will be doing nothing but scoring TD's on the Pats all day. And because pretty much everyone in this matchup serves a purpose.

Prediction: How did I not mention AP against a suspect Pats' defense? If it didn't have the oldest roster in The Equalizer, I may side with Ethan's Mom's Panties in this one. Instead, I'll side with the kid of the mom whose panties the team is named after. Ants in My Eyes Collins 131, Ethan's Mom's Panties 118